I had a dream last night, really it was this morning. And it left me woken earlier than usual. Many times pregnancy dreams are so crazy and so random. But this one stayed on the emotional side and less on the “Alice in Wonderland” type weirdness.
This one was about me returning to a high school reunion. Ironically those who returned were signing up for a weekend camp-like experience where we were to “get in touch with each other and ourselves.” This concept entertains me when taken into a secular cause like it was in my dream as if “getting to know ourselves better” (much selfishness) should be the focus of our world. It’s helpful to know those areas that you are prone to weakness for sure, but not that you would correct them or be able to make your own status strong, but that when you surrender yourself to Jesus you would especially rely on Him to guide you through those areas.
So in my dream we all sat in an old library. I looked around and saw a mixture of faces that I honestly haven’t thought about or remembered since high school and some that I have recently heard about via facebook. It was funny to feel the dynamics of high school again – the “who’s popular” and the “who’s labeled what in what crowds”. Petty… unrealistic… and surreal look at how society works in “the real world.” And it was funny, much how you slip into fulfilling a role in your family when you all get together, I felt myself feeling once again like a stranger in my own “hometown” like I did in high school.
I think, ironically, many of us felt like strangers and aliens and wallflowers in that awkward phase of adolescence. We could have played the “to be liked” card or the “fake confidence in myself” card or the “mostly assured in myself” card. But it’s funny to look back on how much of me grew so much deeper and more assured in my faith post high school. So much so that as I stood up to introduce myself, after all the popular people were asked first (recess team picking in more advanced terms), in my dream, I hardly knew where to start.
In our introductions we were asked to say a few things about ourselves and then pick a theme song for our lives. Only the popular people in the room were told in advance how the schedule would go so they were prepared. The first song that popped into my head was “In Christ Alone”
It was the only song that made most sense to me then and now at how to describe the overall theme of my life. Glad my subconscious didn’t pick some crazy disco tune or something. hehe. You never know what happens in dreams sometimes.
Then after announcing my theme song I was overwhelmed with how I could possibly explain who I was. A pastor’s wife… a lover of my Matt – my best friend… a Mom of two wonderful children, Rachael and Abi, and one on the way… blessed beyond measure… striving after Christ to apply the Word and live it daily (sometimes better than other times due to still needing much work, but pushing forward toward His prize)…. a homeschooling Mom who believes education begins with Jesus… a cloth diapering fool because I will go to no limits in serving my family the best I can give – even when it’s hard work sometimes… a boaster in Jesus… a broken vessel poured out on the mission field, whether it’s in my backyard or across the oceans… lost and found in Jesus….
How can I possibly summarize who I am and how I have changed from the self-centered, immature but well-meaning Christianity I displayed to you all in high school? It’s like the blinders have come off… the scales have fallen from my eyes and my heart has broken so in the compassion of our Father for the truly lost, dying and piteous world that so desperately needs laborers for the harvest.
And it’s my hearts cry, whether it be here or there or anywhere, to yell from the pit of my toes, laying it all out, “Here am I!!!! Pick me, Lord!!!” as He rallies His troops to send them in Christ’s Name. Oh that He counts me worthy… me?!… is beyond anything I can possibly express to you all…
And then I woke up.
– Grateful for the reminder.