So sometimes when you get bad news you just have to cry.
It’s funny how finances never seemed to bring good news for me.
But bad financial news is never easy to carry.
See, finances are tied to nearly every struggle Matt and I will face in the next upcoming year. And, as Matt mentioned, finances are the number one cause of divorce.
Before you think Matt is a jerk, I am overwhelmingly confident that Matt will never divorce me, so this matter-of-a-fact statement does not scare me.
Today has been a hard day. Cheddar kept me up last night and between him and my allergies, I’m just plain exhausted. I began the day thirty minutes behind and got to church 15 minutes late. So, in an optimists world, I shaved 15 minutes off somewhere. Some days you’re just late. And that’s life.
Once I shook off my grumpy streak and found myself back at home in comfy clothes, I gave Matt a call. That’s when I learned about the path God is providing for us. I am not going to lie, the news of not being able to afford an apartment and needing to live in Matt’s parent’s house for at least the first year of our marriage was quite hard to hear. At first I took it well, kicking into survival mode. “We can make it.” My thoughts denied my emotions. But some things you just have to work through. It’s like the idea of leaving Apex, it just must sit with you a while so you can grieve it and move on.
But I can be honest, the news of our financial stability did not stop there. Next year is going to be so much more challenging than this past one. All the people at Matt’s house, the thought of not being able to keep Cheddar (my coping strategy), the thought of Matt being busy a lot, and a new job, and even if the Stauffers do let me keep Cheddar, the thought of not being able to find him in a huge house when I need him the most brought tears to my eyes. How can my world fall apart like this? Suddenly the thought of all the furniture God has provided didn’t matter anymore. Where will we put it? I just sat in my room holding Cheddar (despite him not wanting to be there) and let it all out. Poor Cheddar got a shower. I got covered in cat hair. And my nose ran uncontrollably. – I just had to get it out.- I haven’t cried that hard in a very long time. I don’t think I ever grieved Apex that hard before.
Dear friends, it doesn’t mean God is any less of a providing God. It doesn’t mean God’s provision of furniture isn’t a promise of what’s to come. It doesn’t mean that He doesn’t want us to be together. It just means that it’s going to be a challenge and some days I’ll do well with it, and other days I will drench my cat in tears.
I have never been spoiled by glamorous photos. I’ve never taken Senior pictures because they were far too expensive. I don’t have a senior class ring and I can’t even find my high school diploma anymore. I won’t be walking at my college graduation and I haven’t done any other monumental thing. But one thing I will be blessed with and that’s getting engagement pictures taken with Matt tomorrow. No, we can’t afford ridiculously expensive photography-quality pictures. (We won’t even have them at our wedding). But a dear friend of mine, Chris, has happily volunteered to take his best photos for the price of the film. So, in light of my past, this means a lot to me. So much that I got a bit vein about my two zits. Oh well, that’s life for ya. You don’t have super huge zits until you’re doing a “once in a lifetime” thing. [I expect to have zits in my wedding pictures too. ] I wanted to get my hair trimmed, but I can’t afford it, so I think I’ll cut off some split ends on my own. Maybe Robin can help. Matt didn’t have time for a haircut, but knowing how much it meant to me, he called to tell me that he’d made a trip to the mall and would even be shaving tomorrow since it looked like a porcupine hit him in the face.
I am so in love with Matt and so blessed that he cares so deeply about me that he’d struggle to find extra time to get “cleaned up” and “nicely dressed” because it means something to me.
So today’s had it’s ups and downs. This basket-case is continually on the verge of tears and completely overwhelmed by the joy of loving Matt at the same time.
“We’ll do just fine.” He said today. “It’s just going to be a big challenge this next year. But if you can’t find a job, I’ll quit school and get another one. We’ll survive. And then the next year, after I’m done with school, it won’t be drastically different, but it’ll be a little better than the year before. … It’ll be okay. I love you.”
– I love you too, Matt.
I know God will pull us through.