[This is an update on my current “happenings” taken from a letter to a friend.]
“…I still talk to Kelly nearly very night. And I am trying a lot harder to be more encouraging and less depressing. I find that as the night grows later, I feel less and less hopeful. So I usually try to get off the phone before it gets too late. Cause at that point it’s my 6 hours of sleep doing most of the talking.
I could say that I miss Dayton, but that’s a lie. I do think of Apex often. I think about Kelly and wonder how her day is going. I think about Miranda and Andi Hill. I think about Crosswalk and how the Lord moved in 109 Oelman. I think about how blessed I was in Dayton. But at the same time, I do not find myself currently yearning to be there. It doesn’t consume my thoughts like it used to. I don’t try to find ways to go to Apex every Sunday or sneak back up on campus just to feel the independence I once felt. It’s kinda of weird. But it’s kind of like I have put Dayton on pause and stepped out of “reality” and come down here. I think I have convinced myself that no matter how much I want to see Kelly, and no matter how much I think of what once was in Dayton, I am here right now. And there is nothing that I can do about that. Part of that makes me bitter and, therefore, shuts off feelings, but the ebst part of that forces me to find satisfaction in where my feet are treading.
I have been studying while I am here. I’ve learned so much from Revelations and am learning more about God’s character by the day. I am also, as ever, finding more weaknesses as they are highlighted in this environment. I’m not sure if it’s the environment, in all reality, or just the fact that it’s time for me to choose exactly what I will and will not allow myself to be. I am learning more and more to treat my body as a slave so as to better serve the Lord (reference 1 Corinthians 9:26-27). In all, I am blessed to be in process. Hope and satisfaction are daily choices. And some days I choose wrongly. But other days I choose wisely. I hope to look back on the summer and see more rightly chosen days than wrongly chosen ones.
I am learning to be content. Though it is a struggle, the Lord has me right where He wants me, so I need to learn to better accept His definition of “good”. And who knows, maybe sometime soon I will be able to fully enjoy the place that God is holding me right now. I hope to. I really do. I hope to find a sustained attitude of happiness and joy and contentment. And most days, I do find myself with a joyful attitude.
In all the situations that this summer is handing me, I am sure of one thing…
God is my Rock and my Foundation. He is my Ever-Pressent Help. He is my reason to keep trying. He is my Best Friend and my Fortress. And though I may feel shaken… I WILL NOT BE MOVED from HIS Foundation. And this is not by my own strength, but by His alone. For He is the one holding me firmly to His Rock. “